Releasing it is a decision I make more than once.
Use it when
- You are still having the argument in your head years after it ended
- You do not want to excuse what happened and you are tired of carrying it
- Somebody else has moved on and you are the one still paying for it
- You have decided to let it go before, and it came back
The steps
- Recall — name what happened specifically, from a regulated state.
- Empathise — attempt to understand, not approve, how they came to do what they did.
- The Altruistic Gift — recall a time you needed forgiveness and someone extended it. Offer the same extension.
- Commit — "I am releasing this grievance for my own well-being." Write it down.
- Hold On — when the grievance resurfaces, and it will, restate the decision: "I have already chosen to release this. I choose it again."
What to expect
The grievance may resurface, and it will. This is a decision you make and then make again; the feeling coming back is not evidence the decision failed.
If this isn't the one
- The grievance is grief underneath → Grief Protocol
- It is yourself you cannot forgive → The Self-Compassion Break
- There is a conversation still owed → The Nexus and Repair Protocol
Where it comes from
- Session 9 — the full handout
- Session 9 — The Repair
- Well established
Prefer it one step at a time? The same protocol as a guided runner in the app, which also keeps a private record if you want one.
This is one of the tools a seventeen-session series teaches, ninety minutes at a time, in a room of six to twelve people. It is peer-facilitated, free to host, and every handout and worksheet it uses is free to take.
Where this one comes from
You have just run one protocol. Behind it is one idea: everything you do is paid for out of a single account, and almost nothing is charged at the moment you do it — which is why the fifth repetition is worse than five times the first, and why a bad night does not present its bill until the following afternoon. Shoulder the Bill is that argument as one continuous read, written out of a workplace injury and the four years afterwards. The manual is the one you open at a page. The Workbook is the one you write in.
three books, one system →Check what stayed 3 questions
Answer in your own words, out loud or on paper. Nothing is scored, nothing is marked, and nothing is stored — this is for noticing what you have, not for anybody to grade.
What makes a grievance one this tool is for?
What the material says
A grievance that is costing you something to keep carrying.
The second step asks you to understand. What does it explicitly not ask you to do?
What the material says
attempt to understand, not approve, how they came to do what they did.
The grievance comes back. Is that a failure of the protocol, and what does the last step ask you to do?
What the material says
when the grievance resurfaces, and it will, restate the decision