Let it come. Do not sit with it alone.
Use it when
- Somebody is gone and the world is carrying on as though they are not
- You have been told it is time to move on
- It comes in waves and you cannot predict which day is which
- You are holding it together for other people and not for yourself
- You are afraid that letting go of the grief means letting go of them
The steps
- Allow the grief. Suppression doesn't resolve it — it accumulates and surfaces elsewhere (Wegner et al., 1987).
- Do not be alone unless you need to be. Grief is easier to carry with other people than alone.
- Maintain the basics — sleep, food, water. The body needs the floor to stay under grief.
- Distinguish grief from depression — grief fluctuates. Depression is more pervasive and persistent.
- Find the continuing bond — healthy grief transforms the relationship. It does not sever it.
What to expect
It may not feel any lighter, and it is not meant to yet. Grief arrives in waves rather than a line, so a hard day after an easier one is not a step backwards.
If this isn't the one
- You are numb rather than sad → Shutdown Protocol
- You are angry at them and cannot say so → Anger Protocol
- You are carrying it alone → The Team Protocol
Where it comes from
- Session 15 — the full handout
- Session 15 — Shutdown, Panic, Anger, Grief, and Shame
- Supported
Prefer it one step at a time? The same protocol as a guided runner in the app, which also keeps a private record if you want one.
This is one of the tools a seventeen-session series teaches, ninety minutes at a time, in a room of six to twelve people. It is peer-facilitated, free to host, and every handout and worksheet it uses is free to take.
Where this one comes from
You have just run one protocol. Behind it is one idea: everything you do is paid for out of a single account, and almost nothing is charged at the moment you do it — which is why the fifth repetition is worse than five times the first, and why a bad night does not present its bill until the following afternoon. Shoulder the Bill is that argument as one continuous read, written out of a workplace injury and the four years afterwards. The manual is the one you open at a page. The Workbook is the one you write in.
three books, one system →Check what stayed 3 questions
Answer in your own words, out loud or on paper. Nothing is scored, nothing is marked, and nothing is stored — this is for noticing what you have, not for anybody to grade.
What is the instruction about the grief itself, rather than about managing it?
What the material says
Loss and sustained sadness. Allow it rather than suppress it.
What does the protocol say about being alone, and what does it give as the reason?
What the material says
Do not be alone unless you need to be. Grief is easier to carry with other people than alone.
What is the distinction the protocol asks you to keep making, and on what basis?
What the material says
Distinguish grief from depression — grief fluctuates. Depression is more pervasive and persistent.