Regulate first. The conversation keeps.
Use it when
- You have a conversation coming that you have already rehearsed six times
- The same argument keeps happening and neither of you moves
- You want to be understood more than you want to be right, and you keep doing the opposite
- You know you will flood partway through and you have no plan for that
The steps
- Regulate first — run the Body Reset before any significant conversation.
- Name the issue specifically — "when [specific behaviour] occurred, I felt [specific emotion]."
- State the need — "what I need is [specific, requestable thing]."
- Listen — to the response without formulating a counter-argument.
- Find the part that is true — what in their perspective is accurate?
- If flooding occurs — "I need ten minutes to regulate. I will return."
- Return and complete the conversation.
What to expect
It may not be settled in one conversation. The issue gets stated as a behaviour rather than a verdict on a person. The need is specific enough to be given.
If this isn't the one
- You flooded and had to leave → The Body Reset
- You could not state the need at all → The Assertiveness Protocol
- It is over and something still needs repairing → The Nexus and Repair Protocol
Where it comes from
- Session 9 — the full handout
- Session 9 — The Repair
- Supported
Prefer it one step at a time? The same protocol as a guided runner in the app, which also keeps a private record if you want one.
This is one of the tools a seventeen-session series teaches, ninety minutes at a time, in a room of six to twelve people. It is peer-facilitated, free to host, and every handout and worksheet it uses is free to take.
Where this one comes from
You have just run one protocol. Behind it is one idea: everything you do is paid for out of a single account, and almost nothing is charged at the moment you do it — which is why the fifth repetition is worse than five times the first, and why a bad night does not present its bill until the following afternoon. Shoulder the Bill is that argument as one continuous read, written out of a workplace injury and the four years afterwards. The manual is the one you open at a page. The Workbook is the one you write in.
three books, one system →Check what stayed 3 questions
Answer in your own words, out loud or on paper. Nothing is scored, nothing is marked, and nothing is stored — this is for noticing what you have, not for anybody to grade.
What are the two situations this protocol is for — one you can see coming, and one already moving?
What the material says
A significant conversation, or a disagreement that is escalating.
What happens before any significant conversation, and which tool does it?
What the material says
run the Body Reset before any significant conversation.
After listening without formulating a counter-argument, what are you looking for in what they said?